For a moment can we focus on the last word within this. Disorder. Both meanings are key to what PTSD really is. A state of confusion. Disrupting the systematic functioning or neat arrangement of something. So it would be fairly easy to say that truly this is just a term for what most likely you have been living in for quite some time. A disruption of the functioning of our love, of our beliefs. Being in or leaving a relationship with someone who significantly disturbed or manipulated your emotions can be quite traumatic. Not only afterwards but to call this traumatic stress a post (after the events) downplays it I feel when it is in context to an ongoing relationship. In my own experience I have found where my mind had fought to stay strong within the relationship has taken the biggest set back out of it. When we are within a battle that we constantly have to recover from we learn way to make this recovery possible to carry on in whatever way we have decided is best within the abuse. After a traumatic relationship I see that now what I describe as paranoia is quite common among others who have been through similar circumstances.
Not all PTSD rises to a level of actually being diagnosed and of course it is varied for many situations. One thing though is common across every level of Post Traumatic Stress and that is a state of perceived and recognized paranoia. I have found myself understandably questioning everything, mistrusting almost everyone and intentions. Even finding myself feeling a little paranoid out in public. This emotional disruption is something that obviously has to be addressed as we work through years of emotional and relational abuse. I have experienced some of the most overwhelming feelings as feeling shame, defeated, mistrust in my own decisions and others. I wonder where to cast blame and often still feel the emotions that someone inflicted upon me for many years. To be open and honest, I know that I could have simply found someone to tell me everything they see in me, found someone to give me affectionate affirmation, physical attention. I could have just decided to accept anyone who found worth in me and then allowed them to superficially rid me of these feelings but this would not correct the abuse or side effects. It has been my choice to work on repairing the root of these feelings and even though I have had a great deal of support and affirmation, I realize truly my self image or dysmorphia is much easier to repair then emotional trauma. It is sometimes much easier to look good than to actually feel good.
After being in a relationship with someone who at times used our emotions to covertly harm us then we obviously have the right to perhaps be a little worried about a lot and feel paranoid. But most likely what we are really feeling is so odd to us since our minds have been normally stable and sure, the feeling of paranoia is very distressing since we maybe even have never felt this way. There was no reason for these feelings within the relationship since we were pretty certain how we were being harmed or manipulated, we simply were accepting of it. When we experience something repeatedly we not only become fearful of this particular event but also anything that may be familiar in regards to the experience. It takes great mental care to begin to differentiate between the actions and how they were inflicted upon us. Amazingly it is far simpler to write about these things than to actually execute them even for myself.
All this being said I have no clear answer on how to fix these things. It is just an ongoing working battle which I feel introducing a lot of other coping techniques I have spoken about before will help with. Support and creative outlets, things that deliver finality and end results can strengthen our minds into reconditioning from any ongoing unknowns. To simplify, I feel that if we first give ourselves ways to have short term fulfillment of trust or completion within normal activities and life we then can start to remember and train our minds to feel what it is like to trust outcomes of events and individuals. For this truly is what our relational disruption and traumatic side effects are based upon. The belief in someone or something that we felt so certain of that now we question almost everything. This obverting of our emotionally traumatic experiences gives maybe better insight into how we can heal. If we can start to trust in the reliance of even small things then we can better trust our emotions and our own mind soon enough.
-J
A Ghost Of Abuse 