I went to see the sunrise but my body would not allow me to leave. So I was unable to get there, where the earth turns downward to bring the burning star over the horizon. For a moment it became a realization that I nor anyone else had ever seen the sun actually rise. It is not the sun that moves but us rather, that moves closer to it in our rotation towards it. That this part of our very existence was never accurate. It is simply that our sun never moves, a fixed location of a celestial object sustaining us, one that has never left its location. So when I thought of how many sunsets and rises I had longed for, shared, captured and found; I understood that none of us had ever experienced any of them. If our lives on a floating object in this massive cosmic form were dictated by this forever stable object moves toward or away from, then what other things had I overlooked?
The past week or more for the first time ever in my own rotating life I have thought of the purpose behind my own placement on this earth. What parts of my own rising and passing truly has meaning. When we interact with others are we really changing things or are we also just like the sun, in a fixed position and truly the ones watching earth’s edges spin towards us? There comes a point in any healing that eventually gives away to grief. That moment we understand what has left us whether good or bad, has been because of our placement in this life. I wanted to go see the sun as we rotated closer towards it but my body would not allow me to leave. Some sort of urgency woke me to find the horizon and wait for the earth to hurl me towards the daylight of the morning.
Many times we may feel that our live’s direction is based upon the inevitable pain others have inflicted upon us. But perhaps the key to overcoming that grief is about location and where our focus is. I’ve not written for anyone to understand in some literal way but so I can give myself a reminder to maybe stop thinking of myself as waiting for the moving of others or allowing memories or their actions to negatively effect me any longer. I told someone not to long ago when they asked me for advice, that if we allow others to dictate our actions or emotions then we are technically in a relationship with them. In this way of thinking I understood even further that when I let the past hurts, or those that have hurt or abuse me dictate my emotions and life, then I am allowing them to be in a relationship with me that they for sure do not deserve to be a part of. As difficult as it may seem I realized I had to do my best to break up with the memories and actions of them that I had been letting determine the outcome of my life. Which in a bitter way shows the long term influence our abusers can have on us. The lives in memories we allow ourselves to live can not really heal if we don’t break free. This can be more difficult for some. Even myself can see that there is at times an unfair advantage in being reminded of things that have tried to destroy us, it is as though they even have support sometimes in these efforts. So my new goal is to change not only the support of those places but also somehow change the abuse into something else. So that is what I’ve decided to do.
If you are just a casual reader then these things may make no sense to you. But if you have experienced abuse then you will understand. Only as a reminder to myself – be strong and hang on.