At each great point in our lives we understand some sort of fantastic victory or as an alternate some overwhelming stark reality of disparity. But until just recently I had never dealt with battling the ideas of whether life had some possible escape through death. As so not to forget that my own words can be seen as riddles at times I am doing my best to be clear. At fear of seeming overwhelmed or overcome by the fallacies I feel have plagued my life, I am not using a certain word within this writing. I will vaguely speak of what I am sure many people already have contemplated and that is of what becomes of things after we are gone. This unfinished draft which I didn’t feel comfortable tackling until almost a month later, is a heavy subject, the final part of deciding to move on when your life has been damaged and that damage then used against you through revenge. Sometimes the things in our life seem to pile up as such an injustice that the only way to try to move through them is to look at everyone else and weigh our life against theirs. This can seem unfair at times, I know it has to me. I have lost a great deal of my musing regarding my work as of late. Struggling with finding inspiration for more than just design, art, writing or music but also for life it self. I truly wish that I could come up with some ground breaking understanding concerning this but there comes a point when we deal with ongoing abuse and just internally decide it most likely will never end. There is hope, as far off in the distance as it may seem. Parts of what we all have faced and are facing may at times seem like some insidious stage of cancer waiting to consume the remainder of all we are. Even as profound as my own findings have been regarding how to overcome the emotional and psychological trauma that someone caused me for years, it doesn’t mean that the remainder of my life hasn’t been effected by those actions or whatever ongoing resentment your abuser may feel for you. So I apologize in advance if you have come looking for some helpful words regarding how I will navigate through these certain feelings. I have come to know that no matter how much support one may have in their life, or how much love, it unfortunately cannot fix everything that life has broken. God is a defining portion of what sustains each of us but this power that we carry internally I pray can somehow manifest externally as well. My only thoughts have been to weigh out the pain of others when measuring the devastation of making a decision to no longer know this world. The loneliness of individuals who we have given a positive impact towards, the despair that we would then also cause upon them. And as much of a struggle as it is, I just think of how if someone can move on from causing us pain then surely those who have truly loved us can move on from the loss of that pain we would leave behind. A dear friend of mine suggested many things to me to help with emotionally and mental health but coming to a realization that some things in our lives are not controlled by emotions or our minds, thus that cannot be corrected within it either. If you are feeling these things I encourage to share them with others. Speak them to people so they can even at least know that they have given you reasons to be here. Reach out to anyone and you will find many people who genuinely want you to stay alive. This at least will give you each day more reason to keep fighting and pushing forward. Stay within positive things and push through to find yourself again. Make sure those around you that you share with know that they have given you many things to be happy for and that they are valuable to your life.
In the middle of all that I have gone through, the love for life and beauty of helping others has kept me always feeling a purpose in this world. A purpose for people, for someone, for creating and sharing that. But I also know that is not enough to have as a purpose when turmoil sees no value in individuals. Stay strong for another day, then do it again the next. Eventually all things will give relief to life and let you finally live instead of die.