If someone makes you feel fear at all then your love or relationship is not from a good place. It is not from God or from any higher power or plane of existence. For it is fundamental in any belief that Love is not made up of fear. Even scriptures thousands of years old say God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and of a strong mind. If your love does not give you power, does not give you strength with in your mental status then it is being made of the wrong things.
When I really started going over things for myself, I seen that any emotions or feelings I had been made to feel were not my own fault. One overwhelming feeling was that of fear. So this much like all other things I was made to feel or experience I naturally was manipulated or programmed to think it was my fault, my problem, my hang up to fix.
I believe fear was even the initial roadblock from me leaving a relationship before it became so hurtful. Fear made me worry about so many things, threats to fabricate lies about me to make me feel more at fault. Fear of the threats that the abuser said they could convince others how to feel about me. All over standing up for myself at times, communicating emotions or things that would help but more I seen that I could only help myself and not them.
It is for my own selfish personal recovery from this that I express these things into my writings. There again I realize that me becoming better, healthier, me or you being able to expressand understand this trauma is no way selfish. Fear has been the driver of so many things for the last 10 years, far longer even perhaps if I am being fully honest. First the hard part of writing the phrase feels sharp and fearful. Fear it self feels asif it should not be written. It touches on threats, on being ignored to a ghostly existence.
If someone lies to hurt you, if they lie at all to you in any way it is not part of the better plan. It is not part of God’s plan. If you lie to them it is the equal as well to understanding your are making choices not based on love but most likely fear. Fear is also what made me become such a sad person and as well as drove me to choose to no longer be that person. Fear of abuse. Fear of being alone. Fear of rejection. Because it wasn’t that I would be alone but that I was made to feel as if I was not worthy of anyone else. Fear that there was so many problems with myself. Fear that I needed help, emotionally, mentally. Fear that created these things and fear to ask anyone for help with how I was being treated or forced to feel. Fear that no one could help the person I love and care for so much. Fear of violence even though it was rare, but the threats became more of a reality inside me.
Yes, this is a lot of fear to give attention to. But the overwhelming thing that may be stopping you from leaving or changing is this. I hear a lot people telling me when I speak to them that they are afraid of hurting the other person by leaving or afraid of telling them how they are acting. When we understand we are not being chased by the things that make us afraid but rather we are chasing them, then we can stop and make different decisions. When we truly love someone we will often decide to change ourselves before we have enough courage to understand we cannot change them.
Believe that things are being left behind and choose one of those things to be fear.
-J
A Ghost Of Abuse 