The God Angle & Other Secrets We Never Should Have Kept From Ourselves. If you arrived upon this for the poetry then scroll to the bottom where it says 436 Words: unless you want the back story.
In the recent past I came to understand a great deal of how I was viewing my relationships was not truly accurate according to my own scriptural references that I tried so hard to base it on. In a more simple way of saying it; I was not expected to stay in a relationship that degraded who I was, was destructive or emotionally abusive. It is almost as if because I had tried to be so rooted in what I had grown to believe that I thought it was my duty to endure anything as long as it wasn’t infidelity. This lead me to start searching where a lot of advice and beliefs were founded. More and more I seen that many things within our lives we place over onto God or our upbringings and doing so we live out lives that truly God does not desire for us. The phrase “The God Angle,” has become more and more common for me as I see other people as well make statements or almost justifications for certain events within life or actions of others, sometimes even their own. This will become more evident as I put together the majority of this on here. I am in the end phases of finishing up the book that all these are compiled in and will have it available on the site as time allows. But first, here’s a beginning, a brief introduction concerning love.
If I started by saying something was taken from me then that may sound indicative that I miss it. When in fact I do not. I will be straight forward to describe the events and emotions behind the next several thousand words that will comprise a true story. This narrative will not be one sided, as I am still unable to release self blame for destruction and downfall of a relationship. From the very early time when I grew to understand exactly what real love was, not the fluttery swimming feeling that chemicals and emotions cause, but the ground floor of dedication to the actual principles and art that love is. From that point I always have had grandiose concepts based on examples in my own life.
My Mother and Father had the very best of a marriage. The kind you see play out in some old time movie from the 30’s. Even now my expectations of love and falling in love may seem far fetched but every-time I pass these by someone familiar with these kind of old relationships they are caught in the reality that this is how love can and does happen.
My parents, both interested and on the verge of marriage with other souls, found one another by happen chance and quickly knew that there was something that coud not keep them from forever together.
Careful not to scoff already at this idea or happening. It is very easy to feel as if the days of old can not apply to now, simply for excuses that this world has made up. Too common social ideas that actually have been made up to basically react to how a lot of relationships cannot fall into the actual “Love” concept.
The short version is they knew one another for a month and then my Father said “I love you”, He knew for certain because of no outside example, just a spiritual connection that He surely described many times and proclaimed to my Mother before marriage. Growing up in a single Mother home, My father did not have a direct influence from what love would and should be. He had several men in his life, several step-fathers or figures present. My Grandmother, who is still alive at 82, has been a great women, surely a great Mother and became later on a Godly pillar to those around her. But, I step back to give a brief summary of how my own Father could have seen Love to say it sometimes is not learned but simply known.
From His early years His Father, who he knew only as an alcoholic was not present within his life or His Mother’s Love. The men within his examples were servicemen and professionals who my Grandmother dated or brought into His life. I mean this in the sweetest way possible and that it did not negatively influence my Father at all.
Grandma would regularly give me advice as I asked for it regarding Love and Life and a lot of the time the stories wold turn to how her original plans of running around with a friend in a jeep near the air force base in Oklahoma was the best way for them to find suitable young men for adventures and relationships. These are great stories, still somehow warm with wholesomeness in a cheerful way.
I tell this quickly so my ideas and experiences cannot be said to be based upon things that I was forced to be exposed to or some perfection of my. own parents. There was a lot of childhood trauma that perhaps could have shaped my ideas of love very distortedly but did not. From the ages of 4-8 my sister, who was 3 years older than me, and myself were subjected to sexual abuse from an unknown couple. Games were created in which we were coaxed to act in them together. This we somehow kept a secret, maybe by fear placed into us which hung on within my relationships at times or maybe just suppressing the memories until a later time. These things also played a part in her young life and lead her to be in relationships based upon these learned behaviors. She was able to overcome these things thankfully at a younger age though before she died and I feel she would have been a great help to many others if still alive. I was 13 when she died suddenly in a car accident we were both in. At that point a man picked up where the couple had left off with abuse. I struggled with acceptance of myself while battling things I did not want to be a part of, feelings of confusion over sexuality, the guilt of sexuality as well that was evident in my life because of my upbringing. Then in an unfortunate twist of fate or whatever you would call it, an older woman came into my life to continue this pattern with me until I was 18. This seemed more of an escape during those later years but quickly became an even greater guilt as I was forced to stay within this situation until I felt it was a relationship. Fearful of being a part to a decision that was not truly mine and of manipulation of trouble from every direction. What would happen if my parents found out, what would happen if the church found out and what would happen if I went to the authorities and told them everything that had occurred during all these years.
But my story I have been made to feel ashamed of, ashamed of my own abuse ashamed because when I was young and thought it was the right thing to share my pain and all the things that happen to me and others that instead of receiving help I got locked up. Instead of being protected I was exposed to further hurt and abuse from new people. I became fearful because of threats even by ex who constantly reminded me of these things and even went as far as stalking and connecting with those in my past. The destructive nature of when someone who was trapped in things where adults used them, taught them to do things, then put others within that equation that also were victims. What else would we do but try to find choices in one another. No one knows the truth, only us and it’s very plain. For within abuse the perpetrator has a great open communication regarding other sexual partners, they even at times encourage this so they do not feel they are inflicting activities upon some unwilling or an undamaged partner. Abuse stays prevalent in our lives when used as a manipulation or tool of destruction by someone who has claimed to love us. I am sure many others have instilled trust and open vulnerability to a spouse or partner and then have that used in a way that threatens to keep them within the relationship or fearful of speaking up against treatment against them. If this is happening to you, they know what they are doing and we should as well.
Many adults do this even within acceptable relationships and it has become normal to exchange “body counts” with potential hookups or partners. I have realized this even as I have casual conversations with women. This makes what they want clear and is so one or the other can’t feel remorseful over seduction or forwardness that would bring them to a goal of mutual sexuality. These conversations are quickly brought to a close as they obviously are not seeking God’s direction but their own. What if your own relationship was based upon only emotions, truth and communication? Would you have chosen someone else perhaps if you had not first went towards sexual attraction and started with an attraction of the soul, the person, the depths?
By the time I was able to escape, pull myself from abuse, make decisions to stop everything. I had already been part of many things that only instilled sexuality as a secret, intimacy as something to even be ashamed of. So the ground floor for me was that Love and attention was based upon sex, safety was based upon being able to choose your sexual partner and trust was based upon that they affirmed intentions of these things with you.
Then, this idea quickly and suddenly left me. Something that as my Father felt was revealed quickly to me; that “Love” was so much more. For towards the end of my 18 years of abuse I discovered someone that placed love within me only in words. They were able to describe life without anything close to sexuality and it opened my perception to those around me. It was over that time period that I seen God as He was and Love as it was supposed to be. I fell in love with the concept of love and I was not afraid to share that pure concept with others. I wasn’t and still am not afraid to fall in pure love and explain it has nothing to do with that initial physical attraction but an instant spiritual attraction that only enforces the physicality of the relationship. But my grandiose of love saving all things caused me much grief a few years later. When I felt ready to share all my past and that somehow I was supposed to save others.
Perhaps it was the all too early, ongoing sexual experiences that many people take a long time getting through to discover that sex does not make up love. I use all this past history to say that there was more to it though. Something much more in-depth that I held close to me like a badge of honor to know and understand. I no longer felt shame, hate or remorse. I just felt God and God is love. Some unseen reality that surely could not have been brought on by my childhood. Either examples. From my own abuse or from the incredible relationship I always seen between my Mother and Father.
So, my concepts, my feelings, are grounded on something that surely must be universal. Love doesn’t hurt. Somehow though the part of my own trauma that made me stay with anyone for so long was there from the beginning. From the perfect example I seen of devotion all the way to the hidden and trapped experiences I had of my own.
There truly must be parts of us that causes acceptance to aspects of any relationship we are involved in. To stay. To allow and support. To believe words even when we know inside they will not last. This is a sad truth but also sometimes a strength others need. Even now I believe that at times I will accept wrongful treatment within a relationship with sympathy for the other person, for some un-known thing that keeps them from loving in the way that I know to be everything.
Is it wrong to love this way? In a fullfilling and needful way? I hope to have answered these questions at least for myself by the end of my book.
I have found that writing not only subsides the past trauma but it also helps with keeping a level mind when moving into new situations and relationships. This can be especially difficult when all things start to line up to become what you were missing before. Keep in mind that you may need to be patient with new things, you are feeling that everything must be exact this time or it will become hurtful towards you. I myself do not have any real answers on how to navigate this but to hold to what you expect and know love to actually be.
But I’ll go ahead and proceed and cannot promise all this will not sound a bit dramatic but it is to the best of how I have felt. If someone you loved and in return made you feel loved as equally as much. If they made you feel safe, beautiful, important but then gradually hurt you until you couldn’t even tell this was happening you wouldn’t leave. For this is how emotional abuse happens, this is how love can take you in and then sort of creep upon you. As much as you do not want to remove yourself from the greatness of a new relationship or a long term one, the validation and affirmation you feel from even a bit of attention, it is important to not allow yourself to ever make that same mistake twice. Easier to say we will do this next time than to actually do. So honestly this is how I can describe it.
If someone were to place a poisonous blade made to slowly kill you into your shoulder, slowly pressing it in bit by bit until it rested where the tip repeatedly penetrated at times through your chest. Then they cared for the wound to where you felt you could live with it. Only to be reminded of the pain in the front when you cried and the pain from the entry when you tried to grow. What would happen if you decided to pull that blade out finally?
Perhaps you wonder why this event must be described in such a way but I feel that if you have experienced such a level of hurt from love then you fully understand. Some pains others fully can describe, they can understand being stabbed in the heart. Such an instantaneous description of sudden and instant death can gather a reaction. But unfortunately abuse is not a single act. It is not a single emotion or a single perpetration.
When you feel all things are your fault, you are made to spend your time trying to fix the damage caused by someone else just so they can do it again. This seems more closely described in a way that we try to accept, justify, even love. So I will try not to jump around too often or blame directly a single soul for these things I am forever leaving on pages.
Instead I will say this is so I can truly heal and also at the same time hopefully help someone else be able to know they need to not just let go but do whatever to leave.
Regardless of responsibilty. This was the hardest thing.
I have always written. I have always tried to describe life and love as what I have felt of it. A grand complex event that simply happens. When it does it is so clear that there is no way to get around it, no way for it to let go of you. When a heart is so damaged, we constantly wait for that damage to occur again. We may say we love truly, fully, but we never share the full fear unless we are sure of the outcome at times.
My way of sharing has always been with words. To express this love to someone and follow through with the same intensity as those words that I have given. But I have been made to feel this was not real. This level of expectation was not realistic. I do not want to have lined note pads of word that I am ever made to feel are wrong. Love is not jealous of it self. It sees reflection and glory, instantly claiming whatever brilliant event as being a part of its own radiance. So this is love. It cast out all fear and that will be my next point. Fear. I leave you with this bit of emotion regarding love and perhaps letting go of what you have imagined as love but now may need to see that it is something completely different. My topic is over so the next few lines are more of a poetic gesture towards it.
436 Words:
I understand now I am clinging to this ship that has already sunk and now just resting at the bottom of an ocean of great love. If I have been breathing this in for so long, becoming accustomed to this kind of love, here always beneath all other things, then what must wait for me way up there above the surface.
I’ve sat here, aboard this abandoned vessel, thinking as a captain of love to stay aboard. And I have not drowned, or perhaps I have and that is what I have told myself has not happen. This evolution of love I realize is not how it should be, this deck of decaying magnificence that I have so firmly stood on even at the bottom of this sea. For I seen you as the queen of this ocean, imagined all your words that lines these old boards I’ve steered through storms for years, grasped this ships wheel and steered with confidence towards what I thought was a map to some island.
But today I have seen that truly they may have been true to the written patterns but that island possibly has never existed and so all I have sought after has only kept me from what was only days away. So here I stand, arms still raised towards above not knowing until gradually seeing that what I reached up for was not moving further away from me but I was simply sinking.
I love this ship. The same one that I know in any incredibly creative and intuitive mind can picture with me. It was sunken before but it was not this captains fault. Because just perhaps I took an already old vessel into places that it could not ever arrive.
We have been creators, formers of liquid lives only lived in letters. These fluid words ebbing on forever and even though it has felt wonderful to live proudly with these things there’s a hand that is reaching down to me through that surface: God. I’ve forever been so fixated on reading all the words and hearing them that I thought this was our place to have together, loves.
So, as I say. If all things have not kept even me from this, more excuses and tragedies of life and love than most. If this has not kept me from God, if lies and manipulation of love and deception has not stopped me from standing my ground on this broken strands of wood resting at the bottom, then it surely cannot keep another. So it is not here where it should be searched for.
-J
A Ghost Of Abuse 