Too often we may feel we are ready to dive into a new relationship but as we move forward you may discover that certain memories or emotions that have been instilled in you are still present. Regardless of what they are I have found that you can turn these things into new boundaries regarding the people we place into our lives or allow our love to develop with. I call this the fight or flight process. When we are faced with realizing more through affirmation of who we actually are then we begin to have interaction and possible relationships with those we may have never felt worthy of receiving love or affection from. It is a possibly fearful time as we hang onto certain aspects of abuse. One of the overwhelming ideas is that our past abuser will do anything and everything to continue to destroy our lives. If we have been subjected to a Narcissistic Abuser then these are valid fears that sometimes may be realistic.
In your past relationship your partner may have shown many of these things that are pure indications of a Psychologically Narcissist and narcissism is not always a poor trait but when used in these manners it is one of the most destructive and on going types of mental and emotional abuse. Abuser of this sort will often try to spin the abuse on you to make you feel as though you are the perpetrator while gaining your trust to open up emotionally and gain further control over you. If you finally fall deep enough into the mental status that they deal with then you would have found yourself expressing things that you never have felt before. Feelings of craziness, questioning your own reality of existence due to being ignored, the feeling of being a ghost or living with someone who only is present by being visibly there at times. They will do things such as purposely creating actions that point out your unimportance to them or even in a family setting then if you gain enough courage to address it they will tell you that you are imagining these feelings. When feeling hurt or capable to tell them or others of how you feel unimportant they will then convince you that you are in fact the one with a mental issue causing you to feel this way.
For men it is at times difficult to express the pain you are going through even greater than that of women at times because it is a natural instinct to feel we are “loving” or “enduring” for love or a family. Some of the tactics that are included in this are from my experience the following.
Maltreatment, threatening to smear the reputation or morals of them to friends or family. Covert or unknown manipulations to open up and share vulnerabilities or fears.
False allegations of rape or abuse. Involving the support or manipulation of children to enforce their own feelings or words.
Withholding sex or creating a feeling of regret or remorse when connecting in intimate ways.
They will try tactics to isolate you from friends and family and work to give reasons others are causing issues.
Drastic mood changes that you never know what to expect and become fearful whether good or bad.
Belittling through words or actions and progressing to doing so more openly to gain enforcement from helpless or weak minded children or family members.
Holding control of finances or breaking you financially as to not give you resources except for them and then giving you a sound reason or sob story to make you feel bad for questioning these things.
Sabotaging your career or work life.
Provoking romantic jealousy or threatening you with giving their affection to someone else.
Stonewalling or ignoring you at all cost.
Provoking or baiting so they can threaten to call authorities or call them and claim it is they who are being abused.
Threatening or stalking of your family or past friends.
Connecting with or updating you on those who have inflicted abuse against you in the past to somehow make you feel connected once again to that abuse.
These things are far worse than any physical abuse we could endure. Whether male or female. I went through childhood sexuality, being molested by several individuals, subjected to manipulated incest. Terrible as it is to say I was able to overcome such abuse that occurred for much of when I was 4-18 years old. The mental abuse that can be given to someone through these acts seem to have a more lasting effect than anything ever physical that I endured. They are exaggerated when the abuser uses past trauma as a weapon against you. To help overcome any of these fears you must simply work through them each. They may indeed happen, as all of them certainly have happen to me. But these can become a benefit and once again turn evil into something good. Those who come to know you or decide they value you enough to know you already are the individuals who are with you for life. So allow these things to benefit you in a way that they remove fake people from your life. I have not had many people leave me behind but these things will for certain help as you find new relationships. When the tactics of an abuser are used they unknowingly subject the abuse to others and when the other individuals fall prey to these things it is a clear sign to you that they as well could have some of these possible attributes within there own life if they are so easily deceived and manipulated by this behavior.
You will not be alone. A higher standard of existence is possible and those around you that see through all these things are the ones who will live with you in it. It will get better and you have amazing things waiting for you and already happening. Stay strong and hold on to optimism. When the destroyer sees you are no longer the person they knew then you can finally proudly realize that is true. You are not the weak individual who was subjected and allowed them to make you feel inferior or worthless. You are now deciding you will not live as a ghost or with the ghost of abuse.
-J
A Ghost Of Abuse 