I haven’t been single very long now but even so there are still lessons I am learning and understanding regarding new relationships in comparison to my past one. As new people come into your life it is natural to discover also new anxiety as well. Things that you may not have yet been aware of because much of your time has been so focused on getting past the many overwhelming side effects from a abusive, hurtful or toxic relationship. If you have not decided to start allowing others in to the places that your heart has been hurt this doesn’t mean that some will choose to place themselves into your life or try to develop a relationship with you. You may feel you have so many other things that you have to deal with first in your life. So introducing someone into that can cause you to feel anxious before a relationship even starts. To get past these things I personally feel it is good to simply be open with obstacles you are facing then allow the person to decide if they are still trying to be persistent in what they are pursuing from you.
My choice for not entirely jumping into a romantic relationship is that it has been easy in the past to simply gain self affirmation or affection from someone. I understand this may be different for everyone but as much emotional baggage as I have it lets me know that we all have something to overcome. When I thought of how individuals approach me or show interest it opened up a lot of things that I realized I would have to tackle. Not my own past, or emotional scars but my own feelings of anxiety. I started realizing more and more that regardless of how interested someone showed they were of me, or how many attributes they liked about me, that when I do decide to go into a relationship some of the things I would start to have anxiety over were going to have to be thought on. A lot of people get to have relationships and meet people, see how things go then introduce them to others. But when recovering from past relationship trauma there are some things that are important to be open about with your support circle. I have in my life a few different levels of support, each of which know in-depth about me and my life, some of who have taken it on themselves to even show enough care to take everything at its worse or its best value.
The first thing I understood recently was that when we do decide to step out or open up places that may not seem comfortable a lot of times that isn’t anything regarding our abuse or our past, it is just the vulnerability of our heart again. We fear the same things we already have lived with. Things seeming great then a lack of communication occurring, maybe they won’t text back, perhaps they won’t call you or answer. Maybe they will just drift away or worse use all our past hurts to degrade us eventually. But it is important to know and think about these things even before we decide to allow interest to become mutual. That our past trauma can once again teach us, not how to get over someone, not to assume that someone is ghosting us or blowing us off. The things that have happened repeatedly has given real emotions and made us plan for the worst. It has developed our minds to fear the unknown and protect our hearts now at all cost. Because our biggest fears are going to be history repeating it self. This may even have been reinforced in our last relationship through words or threats.
The main thing is to recognize these things ahead of time, make the decision to share your feelings with your support people. If they are not supportive of your emotions then they shouldn’t be a part of your support. It is not about the idea of what are going to cause emotions but it is about how to handle what you are facing from your past hurt. The unknown is a very real and scary thing. It can hold hurtful consequences given to us from others. So your fear isn’t fake but you must counter that fear by knowing all things are working together for the good. There is a path ahead of you as long as you don’t justify being in a relationship just to receive short term fulfillment for what truly needs to be long term goals. But remember as you go and grow into any relationship you will find the right one. If you don’t feel like you are able to be the one who constantly has contact with someone just yet then communicate that so you don’t also give the other person the impression you aren’t interested. Keep in mind we all have lives (may not seem like it as of lately) but that someone not responding back to you right away isn’t the end of the world. You have most likely been through way worse then being blown off by some guy or girl that you barely know. Don’t be afraid to decide you aren’t ready and be up front about this as well. You do not need validation from anyone and if anything from our past should be in mind it is that we can control no-one else actions but your own.
Write out your worries and anxieties in a note instead of sending them in a message and come back and read them later. Don’t reach out to people just to get replies or a response, this is toxic behavior you may be even repeating from your past relationship and done to you. Self sabotage can be a real thing so think of it before. Also don’t be defeated by anything ahead of you, take it as a journey that is going to keep creating an incredible person that will be full of experiences and stories. Knowledge that some may not have, take the horrible and turn it into an adventure of your soul into this life. You are a unique and beautiful person, every detail about you is what makes the next person you are with be in love with you. In the mean time focus on things that you want to improve to become the best you.
-J
A Ghost Of Abuse 